Love left unsaid

I pretend. I pretend that I’m not in love with you and what we have between us is just a friendship. I pretend that I don’t have feelings for you. I pretend because I want you to recognize the love I have for you in my heart. I pretend because I fear. I fear to lose your friendship and more than that your presence in my life. I pretend all the time. I pretend that I don’t care. I pretend that it does not matter. I pretend that I am not in love with you. I pretend to you, to the world.

But, I can’t pretend to myself. I can’t pretend to my heart that beats for you. I neither can deny nor can I ignore how I feel about you. I can’t deny how stupid I am behaving these days. I can’t ignore myself doing endless nonsense acts. I surely know that it is love. I can feel it. Yes, I do feel it. I feel happy when you are around. I feel nice when I talk to you. My heart beats faster when I hold your hand. I keep looking at you when you pass by me; I wish to keep staring into your eyes. My eyes wait to take a glance of you and when you are around it is completely new world. I like the way you talk, the way you walk, the way you are.

I don’t show but I wait for your every single message to come. I smile when I receive one. I read your every Whatsapp status. I like what you post on Facebook. I can’t hold myself back from checking out your every single photograph on Instagram. I sing a song. I enjoy the romantic music. I visualize us in the movies I watch. I observe you. I record details. I recall the dates we met, every now and then. I recall the time we spend together every night. I don’t sleep much and when I sleep I dream of you. I wake up early with a hope to see you. I eat less; I eat healthy to look fit. I think of going to Gym too. I wear nice clothes; I change thousands of time before I could get ready just to match up with you. I want to look as good as possible. I try to match your class. I try to behave gentle and kind. I keep trying to become a good person.

I tease you so that you get angry and I would get a chance to make you smile again. I crack a joke just to see you laughing. I ignore you deliberately to see how quickly you turn around. I pay no attention to see how you react. I stop talking with intentions of you asking the reason. I mention names of other friends just to see whether you feel jealous. I try to do every single thing that could convey that you feel the same.

I worry when I don’t get to see you. It matters to me the most to know where you are and what you are up to. I care when you are not around. I feel the pain when I see tears in your eyes. I feel the joy when I see you smile. I feel the envy when I see you with someone else. I care. I like. I love. My heart is yours. I am yours. I want you to know. I want you to become mine. I want you on my side. I want to make you smile. I want to make you happy. I want to bring every dream of you to the reality. I want to give you happiness. I want to give you joy. I want to give you love that you deserve.

You are my inspiration. You inspire me to live better than before. You motivate me to do adventure. I seek confidence from you to win. Now I dream. I see the future. I see hope. I see a beautiful place. I see you and me. Together.

I see myself standing in front you. I see myself gathering the courage. I see myself holding your hand. I see myself staring into your eyes. I see myself whispering those magical three words

But, I will pretend. I will wait. Just to see whether you feel the same.

Pratik Akkawar

I am occasionally a poet, blogger and an amateur writer, trying to put my thoughts into words and sometimes words into poems.

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